I have been through a number of blogs that are dear to me, here and in other places – and I cannot remain unsympathetic to those who share stories that are so similar to mine. I’ve been through years of depression more than I can count my years without it, but it’s long buried now and (almost?) forgotten.
From what I have seen in my own life-story and in people far and near me, to overcome depression and neurosis, a “bilateral approach” is needed: self-effort firstly, and only secondarily specialist’s assistance (which I didn’t get in my own situation – or, shall I say, my only specialist was my Indian Sadhguru?). It is extremely hard though, to face it or undertake it alone, while it is also true that nobody else can do the work for you – not any one person, not any one medicine, etc. What I mean is that you will need years of sustained self-effort in order to realize that the strength that you crave for, the balance and serenity that you crave for, the self-worth that you crave for, the validation from others that you crave for – and, above all, access power and realize FREEDOM, are already there within you as a given: you are born with all that (it took me years of practicing a specific aspect of yoga). If you cannot see that yet, is because the veil of dust over your eyes has been accumulating thick along your life, and cemented already (with me, it was). This is why you’ll have to accept to die, allow your ego to shatter into a myriad pieces, in order that your Self may get space and be born. Without this key requirement – accepting your ego’s death – you risk, at best, to remain for the rest of your life dependent on your psychoanalyst, medication, etc. Additionally, you may think that you need support, love, comprehension from others, just to make it easier on you – but, trust me, sugar-coating a bitter pill is not absolutely necessary. The journey is not so easy – but it’s the journey of your life, the only one worth taking. For the while. Cause it’ll take you to another, more worth-wile than the one before.
I’m 55 now. I used to believe that my life purpose is to be a good daughter; then a good student; then a good wife; then a good mother, in parallel with being a good employee. All these cards have fallen one by one like blown away by a gust of wind, to let me see that my only life purpose is be ME. If I don’t accept that, if I keep running after the common things of life, there is a higher authority UP THERE (I guess, my being a non-believer has considerably hindered my journey) that keeps calling me to order; and it’s hard… and it gets harder every time.
Only after all these years – I’ve been a slow learner – I finally think that I know why. What is increasingly evident to me is that I am a cowardly person, not daring to accept and show myself for who I really am in the deepest of my heart. I’m nothing of the things behind which I’m used to be hiding: I’m not the daughter, I’m not the wife, I’m not the mother, I’m not the teacher. I’m Mirella. And I know that time has come for me to throw myself into the river of life (of a different level than my ordinary) an start swimming. Live behind the excuses, like: “I donno how to swim”; “I can’t swim! “I’m afraid of swimming”; I’m going to swim, yea, sure, but not now, later”; I’d rather not swim alone, I need co-swimmers”. Meanwhile, wave after wave keeps washing away the sand under my feet, while I keep grabbing a board, a twig, a pebble, a mole of sand, a leaf, a dried shell, just to keep clinging to the sand and not let myself being dragged into the water… eventually, I’ll have no other trick up my naked skin, than start swimming. Finish that memoir – in all honesty and artistry, say it out loud, say it all.
5 thoughts on “Out of Depression – Time to Start Swimming”
How odd. I decided to chek what you were up to, and I found this lovely response to my comment. I don’t remember seeing it, and i didn’t respond at the time. Maybe my troubled daughter found her way here, and did something. Thank you for your thoughtful words.
I don’t like having my photo taken and that one is about 6 years old. My looks have rapidly caught up with my age since then.
This really is an intelligent and wise post. You have said a lot in these few words.
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Thank you for the encouragement – I appreciate – unfortunately, time is so out of my control these days and I am still struggling, waiting for some fix for my theme from the Forum. I enjoy your and others’ posts, meanwhile.
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Hi Mirella, Thank you for that intelligent and thoughtful post. I so agree with you about being your own person. I will be sixty next month, and I’ve only just started working on that. Blogging helps; having your own place which you can arrange however you wish, and nobody can interfere.
Thank you for your nice thoughts and words of encouragement – they really matter to me. I’d also like to give you my best wishes for your coming 60, but I hope I’ll be able to do that in its due time (not meant as any cheap compliment, but in that pic I have placed you in a 40 something age group). I also wanted to thank you in due time for your kindness of picking me among the candidates in your list of five blogs – I do regret more than you can imagine that presently the demands on my time are more than I can actually cope with; I am also neglecting my “newly born”, my blog, as you can see, as it’s been days since I noticed that my “about” page has been lost somehow (it happened during my shifting between themes. I hope to remediate, and to keep on posting regularly stuff that I’ve been repressing in my heart for too long. My best wishes to you!
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